DISCLAIMER: Please don’t take offense to this post, it’s all written in good fun and is meant to empower women, not disenchant males. Happy reading!
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Girls, we all know the scenario- we just spent a grueling two hours in front of the mirror slathering copious amounts of paint on our faces and product on our hair. If someone threw an object at our face it would probably crack. We then got dressed in mini-skirts so short they can only be described as “confrontational” and teetering heels so high I’m sure there are several policy reports warning of their health ramifications. Then we spent half an hour taking downward angled iPhone pictures of ourselves with the “teacup arm”-cellulite-reducing pose and another fifteen minutes picking out the most flattering Instagram filter.
Photo credit: the miniskirt-bearing, teacup arm-wielding girls of Instagram
We are then self-proclaimed ready to go to the most crackin bar/club in the city to meet some super hot dudes.
Except we don’t. We stand around and wait for them to meet us.
Sure, we might make eye contact and smile suggestively and dance and even get our friends to introduce us, but we rarely just straight up approach a guy we really want to talk to.
This phenomena is so interesting to me, when you compare the enormous effort you put into looking good to attract guys and the ensuing incredibly feeble attempts you made to actually seal the deal. Think about that weird incongruity, and then add on top of it the fact that because we are females, we have a very, very slim chance of getting rejected! No guy is going to get creeped out by a female who starts a conversation with him. No guy has ever snubbed and straight up refused to talk to a girl who went up to him at the bars. Did you know that?? If you’re a girl, congrats!! You just discovered a superpower!
Backstory: As a recent college graduate, I’ve realized that I have become increasingly more and more proactive in meeting random people around Berkeley and SF. It’s kind of what you have to do when you’re new to a city and have as weirdly urgent a need for constant social interaction as I do. But it wasn’t until my friend Lida and I took a roadtrip to Seattle and Vancouver that I really started to utilize this “female-in-a-bar superpower”. It was really easy, and in 2 nights we had our strategy fine-tuned. Both times we managed to successfully locate, approach, and (insert desired end result here) the hottest guys at each bar we went to.
It’s an approach that has completely changed my going-out experience. The tables have literally figuratively turned. Now my friends and I are empowered to approach the guys that we actually want to talk to, instead of passively sitting back and wishing this random weird dude with questionable hygiene would go away. Now, we are the Gods of Bay Area Bars. And now, you can be too.
5 Easy Steps to Become the God of Bars
1. YOUR ACCOMPLICES
What did we toast to again? Oh yeah, 100% success rate
Your approach will vary depending on who accompanies you. I’ve found that the most effective method by far is to go out with just one other female friend. Taking more than three friends discourages meeting new people, because a), it’s easy to stick to yourselves, and b), even if you’re chickening out, guys don’t approach large groups of girls in general because they find them intimidating. With just one other girl, you two can do a tag-team effort with two or three guys, and conversation will never be lacking.
Going by yourself is also a definite possibility if friends are unavailable- you can still approach people, and when they ask where your friends are, you either say you lost them, or say “they’re over there” and vaguely gesture to a large crowd of people.
2. BAR-SWEEP
When you first get to the bar, don’t bother getting drinks (pre-game if you need a confidence boost, but don’t spend any money!). Your first action needs to be a bar-sweep, aka walking through the entire bar and identifying your target(s). AIM HIGH. Don’t go for the lonely guy in the corner that you think will talk to you, go for simply the hottest guy in the entire bar. That’s the point of this entire post- to conquer all mortals catch a hot guy. If you can’t find any, more on to the next bar.
3. MOVING IN
Once you’ve identified your target, immediately take action. It is important to do this fast- it is scientifically proven that the longer you wait, giggling with your friends and psyching yourself out (“oh my gawd, should I do it?”), the less likely it is that you will follow through.
Your opening line can vary depending on how bold you’re feeling. But honestly, it doesn’t really matter what you say, because 95% of guys will just be stoked that for once, the girl is the one that approaches him. From my experience, no matter how attractive the guy was, he was always down to talk and usually said how cool it was that I went up to him. I’ve said something as simple as “Hey, how’s it going?” as an opener, but the most fun line is this: “Hey, I think you’re really cute!” When guys hear this, they act as if they’ve never received a compliment in their entire life. They are stunned. Flabbergasted. Unsure if anything in life anymore is real. Trust me, it’s awesome.
4. SCORE A DRINK (OR SEVERAL)
I’ve been debating over the best method for this for a long time. And I’ve finally concluded that there are only two types of guys that exist at bars: The kind that will willingly offer to buy you a drink, and the kind that are too cheap to ever do it, even if you’ve been talking for an hour and you keep hinting at your sobriety. If getting a free drink is your top priority and you’ve been talking to someone for over ten minutes without results, you must accept this guy is a type 2 and move on.
However, from my experience, 85% of guys will be very willing to buy you a drink if you were the one that took initiative to approach them. So this is good news.
Another way to ensure your free drink is to talk to someone who is already at the bar or very close to it. Bonus if they are just about to order. Your chances of getting a drink using this method go up about 95%.
5. WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO NEXT
This next part is up to you and is quite easy. Want to make out? He’s not gonna refuse. Want his number? Get it. Just want to be friends? That’s fine too. I trust that this all will come naturally.
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I am a straight female, so this guide obviously isn’t applicable to everyone. I’m thinking of letting my brother guest write on how straight guys do it, because he has fine-tuned his approach and it would be very helpful to a lot of dudes, but it would also be weird because he’s my brother so I am not sure how I feel about that yet. Any LGBT folks are also welcome to guest write on their best practices!
Remember, essentially in the end it’s not about how physically attractive you are as a female. It’s about confidence. Your confidence is killer, and it’s what will define your experience.
Now go out there and catch some hot dudes. Because you are the God of Bars!
