If you’ve recently graduated college like I have, you probably know that society now considers you and I official adults. Congratulations!
"But I don’t feel like an adult," you protest.
It doesn’t matter. You are now independent, so you are an adult. Good luck with being successful!
…..But you and I both know that it doesn’t really work that way. We know we’re secretly nowhere near ready to be real adults even though we’re supposed to be.
And I’m here to tell you that that’s okay! Because everyone has it wrong. Adulthood isn’t something you can just morph into the instant you graduate. Adulthood is a slow process. I like to think of it as a ladder. Every new rung you reach puts you a little bit closer to adulthood, but there are lots of rungs, and it takes a long time to climb to the top, especially if you are out of shape like me. You’re not a real adult until I say so, and that’s not for a long time. So embark with me on the ladder to adulthood and I’ll show you the rungs I’ve climbed and those I still have yet to conquer.
The Ladder to Adulthood
-Moving away to college and living in a dorm, taking responsibility for decorating your dorm room (but still relying on a dining hall meal plan for sustenance) ✓
-Getting a “grown-up” email address (this was probably for the best, but it was nonetheless pretty hard to let go of basketballgurl712@yahoo.com) ✓
-Taking responsibility for your plant (although I guess the responsibilities associated with taking care of my plant do not stretch far. Especially because when the lady at Home Depot asked what kind of plant I wanted, I requested “the one that is most impossible to kill”. I think I watered it once a quarter) ✓
-Graduating to an off-campus apartment ✓
-Calling Triple A to fix your car when it breaks down ✓ (um, triple A? there’s something wrong with my car. …oh, it’s not, like, turning on? and there’s a little red light that is on when usually it isn’t. …i hope that’s enough information.)
-“Cooking” your own food (this still mostly consists of deli meat, yogurt, pita bread (sometimes toasted), and frozen blueberries) ✓
-Graduating college ✓
————————————————at this point, most people would inform you that you have now turned into an adult. but we know better. we still have a long-ass way to go. ——————————————-
-Moving to Norcal and getting a temporary job/fellowship ✓
-Paying your own rent ✓
-Going to a bar after your job with co-workers, some of whom are in their30’s ✓ (this one made me feel really fucking grown-up. there is something wonderfully sophisticated about casually ordering drinks in real glasses and not plastic cups at 5PM in business attire. Actually, that reminds me of the alcohol ladder to adulthood, which is an entirely other thing. I haven’t worked that one out yet, but the lowest rung would be smirnoff vodka in water bottles in the backseat of your friend’s car in the parking garage of an 18 and older club and the highest one would be $12 martinis/plain scotch with ice at a deserted hotel bar. Martinis/plain scotch with ice are the drink of successful people. I told this to the 50-something year old Greenlining board member who ordered it yesterday, but he failed to see the humor in it. I guess he is so successful, he is now completely removed from immature young-not-yet-successful-people humor. Or humor itself, which I guess you could say isn’t really necessary for adulthood. Adults are all about efficiency.
-Paying for your own speeding tickets (this wasn’t as confusing as I had anticipated, although I experienced some anxiety figuring out the right address to mail it to) ✓
——THIS IS WHERE I AM. Now, for the stuff I haven’t done yet——
-Getting a REAL job
-Cooking REAL meals
-Showering every day (this one will be a struggle. I have an aversion to showering)
-Paying motherfucking TAXES and INSURANCE (I dread the day this happens. I literally break out in a cold sweat and hyperventilate at the thought of it. If you’re one of those advanced-placement adults and are already doing this, shut up and be understanding)
-Getting a HOUSE with ADVANCED KITCHEN APPLIANCES and a HUSBAND
-Fighting over the check at dinner (ooh boy, is this one a long way off for ALL of us)
-Reading books for pleasure that are not Harry Potter or Animorphs
-Getting a child and taking responsibility for its well-being (it’s hard enough trying to make sure I don’t die of starvation and/or failure, can you imagine trying to keep kids alive in addition??? this probably will not happen for the next twenty years)
^ final adult stage
So rest assured, it’s okay that you’re not a real adult yet. We have a very long time before we get to the top rung and have to burden the responsibility of being fully responsible. And it’s also okay if you’re reading this and thinking, “Wow, but I shower every day and file taxes and I’m looking into investing in a juice maker…” That’s fine too; just like puberty, we all go through this ladder at different rates.You just get to be the one whose skin cleared up the fastest/period came the soonest of all your friends, you lucky, successful person, you.
But to the rest of us, let’s not fret, because adulthood isn’t something we need to get right away. If we want to read Harry Potter instead of Crime and Punishment (I got that by googling “Sophisticated book examples”) and if we still consume water-bottle vodka in parking garages instead of martinis at fancy unaffordable places all the more fucking power to us.Me, I’m gonna take my time going up the ladder. No one’s gonna bully me into growing up!
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