Remember how, somewhere in the middle of high school, you were busy intently analyzing the top-8 potential worth of your friend list on Myspace when one of your cousin's hipster friends from Seattle informed you of how much better Facebook was, and that it ain't just for college students anymore? Back then, Facebook was just this simple, nice platform for chatting with friends wall-to-wall and occasionally uploading photo albums. I probably checked mine once or twice a day. Nice for keeping in touch with people, but wasn't too intrusive.
Today, Facebook has grown into a million-legged mutant creature that has made us into zombie slaves to our own simultaneous insecurity and narcissism and everyone else's.
It has taken over everything. Even if we tried to quit it, we would fail because now we are so used to being constantly plugged into the thoughts of 1000+ "friends" that suddenly not having that would leave a huge black void and it would be too empty and scary, so we keep it.
I am 100% addicted to Facebook. I absolutely hate Facebook. Let me count the ways:
1. Checking notifications has proved more addictive than crystal meth.
I guess I can't really say "proved" for sure because I've never actually tried crystal meth, but what I can say is that whenever I am on the Internet (which is ALWAYS), I will be checking an email or reading an article when five seconds later, I open up a new tab and pull up Facebook. Just to see if that little red notification sign is there. If it's not, I go back to the email/article/cute kitten photo AND THEN I CHECK AGAIN TWO MINUTES LATER. Facebook understands very, very well how addictive that little red notification sign is. That's why they've made everything into notifications.
Your friend updated his profile picture! Your friend updated his status! Your friend invited you to his event! Your friend's friend commented on a photo you were tagged in! Stranger posted in group you apparently joined two years ago! WHAT.
My Internet attention span has turned to crap. I can't focus on anything anymore! Noooooooooooo
2. It has become a toxic dumping ground for every fleeting, unnoteworthy thought that goes through anyone's mind at any point in the day.
I'm not sure at what point this happened, but recently people on FB have seriously been hard core ABUSING the status update. Posting ten, fifteen, twenty times a day! And they often aren't even that funny/clever/interesting. I routinely see things like
"Ugh can't WAIT for this week to be over! #IliveforFridays"
"Should I go running today? #indecisive"
"Boiling crab with my faves! [insert poorly-lit Instagrammed photo of meal that could have easily been accessed through Yelp for anyone that actually wanted to look at it]"
These are things that you should either exclaim aloud to anyone in your current vicinity, text to a friend, or keep in your own head. It is mean to subject 1000+ people to things like this. Would you stand up in front of 1000 people at a rally and yell into a megaphone that you don't know what to eat for dinner tonight?
I know I am exaggerating, but instead of updating our status 10 different times today about how our day is going, maybe we should write a journal entry or something (R.I.P. xanga :( )
3. We use the "like" button to express our feelings now instead of words.
It is so easy to like something. It is easy to like everything! I "like" your picture, and that makes me feel like a pleasantly nice person. The problem is that "Kelly likes this" has become an acceptable form of response to something. Someone will post a video on my wall and say how it really made them think of me and they hope I'm doing well. I am too lazy to craft an actual response. I "like" the post instead. Problem solved :D
4. We have turned into a bunch of attention-craving narcissistic assholes.
I admit, it is super thrilling to post something and then see all those "likes" that people are so generously dishing out these days. My heart soars with happiness when 20, 30, 40 people are liking the fact that I did x impressive thing today. Facebook is full of folks that carefully craft humblebrag statuses that will maximize likeage (and they disguise the bragging by saying they are "blessed". Haaate that shit!)
40 likes? YES, I am awesome.
But when I post something that gets, like, two likes, I immediately feel discouraged and like I am not awesome at all.
THIS IS A PROBLEM. Why do we need the approval of people we don't even care about in order to feel good about ourselves? Happiness is directly proportional to digital upvotes? Like... what?
5. All of these narcissistic updates from everyone else has made us even more insecure about our own lives.
It's hard not to compare ourselves to others when every intimate detail of their lives is being thrust upon us every day. These details, however, are a carefully constructed image that represents their best self. No one talks about the stuff they do that's not glamorous, even if they do it most of the time:
So let's chill, remember that the girl who looks perfect in every photo probably untagged all of the unflattering ones, and stop comparing ourselves to others because that's unhealthy anyway!
And that's why I hate Facebook.
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To clarify, obviously FB has a lot of great things going for it, which is why I'll never leave. But I just wish these other bad things would go away, because it's getting kind of ridiculous. Anyone else feel me on these? I love "likes"! Haha.
