That One Time I Found My iPhone in a Homeless Lady's Shopping Bag

So you know the iPhone 4 I bought on Craigslist to replace the iPhone 4s someone stole in the Castro in January to replace the original iPhone 4 someone stole in Vegas in July? 

Last Thursday, someone stole that one too.

Solo Adventures Part 1: Wanna Sing a Duet?

I've never thought of myself as an exceptionally confident person.  In fact, I sometimes want to kick myself in the face for having, on occasion, borderline-insane insecurity issues: 

Did I sound stupid when I said that thing in that meeting?
Why didn't Rachel text me back? 
Did only ten people like my Facebook status because the other 1,390 thought it was less of a good idea than Kidz Bop 25, or any of the Kidz Bop CDs for that matter? 

It's ridiculous, I know. 

Last week, the insecurity monster in the back of my head started to yell at me upon realizing that I had no one to hang out with after work - on a Friday night!

Procrastination

Well, I did it again. 

It's June, and that means that I've managed to procrastinate writing in this blog for another six months.

How the hell did this happen? 

I have always been a notoriously bad procrastinator, from the time I was relevant enough to have responsibilities to procrastinate on.  In college, the night before a paper was due I'd methodically watch videos of cats falling off of tables and look at Facebook pictures of that one really pretty girl that I don't even really know, until 2:59AM.  At 3AM, a wave of panic would strike me and I'd magically find the discipline to type nonstop until 9AM, exactly half an hour before my paper was due.  (I also procrastinated in high school, but the Internet wasn't as big of a thing back then so I spent the time playing 50 straight games of Spider Solitaire.)

Candy Crush got nothing on this OG shit

Although this is a pretty illogical/stupid way to live one's life, at the end of the day (literally.. heh heh) I was able to accomplish all of the things that needed to be done, simply because if I didn't, something bad would happen to me.  I'd get a B in math, I would flunk out of college, I'd have to resign myself to a life as a homeless person, etc.

Now that I've graduated, there aren't any more deadlines.  

Well, some things still have deadlines, like buying groceries.  That deadline would be death by starvation.  Some things have flexible deadlines, like doing laundry, which I am able to extend by a month or so by purchasing more underwear.

But most things post-graduation don't have a deadline, like cleaning and exercising and especially blogging.  The worst thing that happens as a result of not blogging is that when you run into an acquaintance at Trader Joe's and they say "Hey, didn't you used to have a blog?" you say "Yes, but I am too lazy to update it" and resultantly feel a slight twinge of guilt for a few seconds.  

Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to blog.  Every day after work, I sit down at my computer and tell myself that today is the day I am going to post an entry.  

But unfortunately, a vague twinge of guilt isn't enough of a panic monster to scare me into blogging.

And so the absence of scary deadlines means that I am procrastinating forever, and this is what a lot of my days subsequently look like: 

The crazy thing is, I don't even like doing these things.  (Except watching Digimon.)  I just do them because they are easy and addictive and because I'm lazy.

But I realized today that without even knowing it, I've been procrastinating for half a year.  2014 is almost HALFWAY OVER. Seriously, where has that time gone?? 

Life goes by really, really fast.  We only have so many years to live, and we only have so many days in a year.  It's a really scary fucking thought.  And the thought that I've wasted so much of my time makes it even scarier.

There are so many awesome things that I've been procrastinating on, like getting good at piano, reading badass autobiographies, and learning how to code.  You know, worthwhile things.  And a part of growing up is learning how to accomplish things not because something bad will happen if we don't, but because something good will happen if we do.  

So to all my fellow procrastinators out there, I know getting things done is hard without deadlines and panic attacks, but I have faith in us!  Breaking it up into smaller manageable tasks and creating to-do lists for the day is definitely helpful, even if they are simple tasks:  

I might have mixed up the order a little there but you get the idea. 

So here's to replacing Instagram and Twitter browsing with painting and blogging, here's to creating more than we consume, here's to doing the things that really make us happy and help us grow, here's to taking back 2014.  Stay tuned, folks!

The Pros and Cons of Obtaining More Adult-like Things

As I finish up Year Two of post-graduation, I'm realizing with some excitement that my life is slowly moving up the Ladder to Adulthood.  This realization suddenly came to me last Friday when it took about five minutes of struggle to find the right key to open my office door.  Why is this significant? Because this means I have way more fucking keys now than I used to.  And if 1 key = one thing I can control, then that means that I have gained control over several new things. 

Thinking about it, a lot of stuff in my life has made the switch from "functioning-at-the-most-basic-level-possible" to "wow-this-could-almost-pass-as-something-a-real-person-owns".  

Last year in Berkeley, I lived in a sad box-like apartment in which five fully-grown people attempted to share one tiny bathroom.  We didn't have a couch, so I sat on the floor if I wanted to eat food or contemplate my life choices.  In terms of kitchen cutlery, we owned two knives, one spoon and no forks.  Truly, this was adult life at its most primitive level.

My new apartment life is dramatically improved from last year, but with great power comes great responsibility.  Here is how I view these new adult-like things. 

Thing: Own Room and Own Bathroom 

For the first time since high school, I have my very own room.  Add to that my own closet and bathroom and I am swimming in a sea of abundance.  

Pros:  

• I can walk around naked in a significantly larger space than I could before. 
• My bed is large enough to fit both me and a bunch of clothes/dirty dishes/self-help books another person in it.

Cons:  

• I am responsible for turning a greater number of light switches on and off. 
• My bathroom has not been fully cleaned since I moved in five months ago. 

Thing:  Advanced Kitchen Cutlery 

It is slightly disorienting to go from being forced to cook all of my food in the microwave to suddenly having access to three blenders, two toasters, and even a juicer.

Pro:
If the desire arose, I could make three different kinds of smoothies at the same time. 

Con:
The desire hasn't arisen yet.


Thing:  Grown Up Roommates 

Last year, I lived with an eighteen year old girl who hadn't been to college and contemplated voting for Mitt Romney because "the economy is bad right now".  Now I live with friends who have full-time jobs and sound morals.

Pros: 

• They are great sources of wisdom and emotional support.
• My roommate's ten-year plan for his life is something I can aspire to create one day. 

Cons: 

• They are less likely to agree to taking spontaneous shots of vodka with me on a Tuesday night.
• My roommate's ten-year plan for his life mostly just serves as a depressing reminder that I don't even have a one-year plan for mine. 

Thing: More Impressive Groceries 

Last year, I would walk over to Trader Joe's once every two weeks to buy eggs, milk, spinach, pita bread, yogurt, and wine.  Like... this is basically all I ate in terms of groceries the entire year.  Now, as you can see from the picture, everything is different now.  

Pros: 

• I'm saving money by preparing breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. 
• Being able to casually tell people "Oh yes, I assemble the whole salad myself; so much better than that pre-packaged nonsense" gives me a feeling of superiority over others.

Cons: 

• I spent $85 on the things pictured above so I'm not sure if I am actually saving money by buying groceries.
• My arms hurt from carrying all of these things from my car to my apartment. 

Thing:  Actual Job

Over the course of the first year following undergrad, I somehow managed to find temporary work at two of the most generous non-profits in the history of existence.  At the first job, my supervisor let me sleep on her office floor if I was hungover and we all got free iPads.  The second job paid me $17/hour for googling and printing things out.  At my new job working on a political campaign, I will get fired if I do not raise $750 a week from harassing random people in the street.  It is tough but it makes me a better adult. 

Pros:  

• I can feel like I'm working on things that are actually important instead of just browsing Facebook all day.
• I'm now relevant enough to make it on my organization's website! Although 75% of that is probably racial and gender tokenization, but that's all right.

Cons: 

• I can no longer just browse Facebook all day.
• Many rich/poor/conservative/racist/or just straight up insane people yell at me daily for destroying the future of America.  But that's a post for another time. 

Calamity in the Castro and the Most Responsible Person I've Ever Met

So far, the new year had been going great.  

On Day 1, I went to the grocery store AND the bank.

On Day 2, I attempted exercise, read part of a book, and even scheduled a doctor's appointment!

I am going to grow up so much this year, I thought smugly to myself.  I was making mature decisions.  I was becoming a responsible, self-reliant, and effective human being. 

On Day 3, everything fell apart.

It started when I made the impulsive decision after work to accompany my roommate to the Castro.  For those who do not know, this is a neighborhood in San Francisco that is one of the largest and most always eventful gay districts in the country.  It did not take us long upon arriving to immediately consume large amounts of Hennessy and run down the street belting Dreamgirls.

I was so caught up in my soulful ballad that several people stopped to watch and one even generously contributed a few stage props as to greater enhance my musical performance.

I kind of wish I could just wear this on a day to day basis

Then we remembered we were supposed to be dancing in clubs, not on the street, so we bid farewell to our new friends and began our traditional Castro route through the gay bars. 

We were having a wonderful time creating memories that would last approximately twenty minutes when I put my hand in my purse and realized that

my 
phone 
was 
not 
there.  

Anyone who has shared this experience knows that this is one of the most terrifying feelings that can be felt.  Please no, let it be a lie.  We called my phone.  It went straight to voicemail. Someone had taken it.  

Angrily, we texted my phone demanding that it be returned.

LIFE IS GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN.

But it was ineffective.

Despite our most intimidating threats (they were the best we could come up with given our current mental state), the thief was not subdued into repentance.  The rest of the night was danced extremely half-heartedly. 

On Day 4 of the new year, I trudged to the Verizon store.  The employee informed me I did not have any upgrades and recommended I purchase a used phone from the interwebs.

The last time I searched for a thing on Craigslist, it did not go so well.  But part of adulthood is about maintaining a positive attitude, so I thought "fuck it" and started messaging the iPhone holders of Northern California. 
___________________________

Me: Hi! Is your Verizon iPhone 4 still for sale?

Oakland iPhone Holder: Yes.

Me: Great! Is it your old phone? or where did you get it

Oakland iPhone Holder: You need to call me now

I don't
Trust google voice.
If you want to buy this iphone, you must call
Me 

Now

CALL NOW

Me: whoa! i don't have access to a phone right now. 
i lost mine last night, that's why i want to buy one.  
Is this your old phone? 

Oakland iPhone Holder: Yes

Me: How long have you had it? 

Oakland iPhone Holder: Too many question. 

___________________________

There are some people that just exude a vibe of shadiness, and these characters are plentiful on Craigslist.  But finally, I found someone who agreed to meet me in Emeryville and had an acceptable grasp of the English language.

___________________________

Proper Grammar iPhone Holder: Great. Please bring the exact amount of cash. 
Also, I will be there in jeans, blue shirt, grey sweater. 

Me: Okay sounds good. I will be short and Asian.

___________________________

From my past experience, I guess I expected the guy to look roughly like this: 

But to my surprise, this is who actually met me at the Verizon store: 

I would soon find out that this man would quickly gain the title of the most responsible person I've ever met.

I showed up ten minutes early to our meeting place, thinking I'd have plenty of time to wait for him to get there.  Nope.
Responsiblest was already there.

"I've had this phone for a year, and I still have the original box with the instruction manual, headphones, and charger," he explained to me.  "Here is my case, three screen protectors, and a car adapter, in case you need them."  

The phone was beautiful.  The Verizon employee exclaimed that he had never seen a more pristine used iPhone before.  

"I tried to keep it in good condition," Responsiblest said with a sheepish shrug.  "What brings you to buying it?" 

"Oh... I lost my phone.  In the Castro," I said dumbly.  I paused, then added, "But the same thing happened five months ago, when I was at a club in Vegas."  As I said these words and gazed down at this man's perfectly maintained iPhone and accessories, a feeling of shame suddenly swept through me.

"Ah, I see." He said. He paused too.  "Well, I have this black case if you'd like to use it; it's pretty low-profile.  I'm not sure if you'd prefer something... flashier."

I was about to feel insulted, and then I remembered that my last two iPhone cases were neon purple.

"No, that will be fine," I mumbled.  

After he left, I remarked to the Verizon employee, "Wow. He is so responsible." 

"Yeah," he agreed. "If that's what his iPhone looks like after a year, can you imagine what his house must be like? It is probably the most well-organized, spotless house in the world."

Another employee that had been listening in shook his head slowly in amazement.  "What a guy."

------

As I walked back to my car, I mused that the state of one's iPhone really does accurately reflect one's lifestyle.  A beautiful iPhone reflects a careful and well-organized person behind it.  A cracked iPhone, not so much.  A lost (two) iPhone(s): sigh. 

 Then understanding came to me.  Being a responsible person is a lifestyle choice.

In the past, I feel like I viewed responsibility as doing a bunch of isolated responsible things, and if enough of those things are done, a few irresponsible things can be cancelled out. 

IRRESPONSIBLE KELLY used:  speeding on the highway! 
RESPONSIBLE KELLY used:  grocery buying!  house cleaning!  laundry folding!

....It was super effective!

But doing responsible things is only super effective if those things are done habitually, as an integrated part of one's life.

Responsiblest's phone is in pristine condition because Responsiblest made an ongoing commitment to keeping it that way.   My phone is not even with us today because I did not.  

Being responsible isn't something you can achieve by scheduling doctor's appointments and reading books at a rapid pace.  It's a way of living life.


I smiled at this realization as I drove out of the parking lot.  Unfortunately while doing so, I almost hit a woman on a bike with my car.  So then I bought some vegetables at Berkeley Bowl.  Buying vegetables is the exception to the Responsibility Law.  It's like the trump card of responsible things.

Yay! 

Not an Actual Update, But...

My next post shall be posted later today.

I drew a picture on my iPad for you in the meantime.

What Happened Since My Last Post

It's been nine months since I last posted anything.  This is mostly because for some reason I decided I wouldn't post anything until I came up with a cooler name for my blog.  You see, the longer I've been out of college, the more shame I feel in continuing to identify as a "post-graduate", and continuing to tell strangers that I "JUST graduated".  

I wanted my blog title to reflect the process and struggle of becoming an adult, while not really feeling like an adult quite yet.  Like, sort of adult.  Kind of an adult.  So I tried those out.  

sortofadult.com
kindofadult.com

But to my dismay, I realized these just sounded like soft-core porn sites.  So I gave up for a while, until finally, driven by the promise of a new year full of productivity, I settled on a new server and a new blog name.

Unfortunately, in the world of blogging, time is directly proportional to expectation.  The more time that goes by between posts, the higher the expectation that one will return with the most gripping tales and viralest content.  

There is a lot of pressure and I will admit that I was tempted to just make up a list of incredible things I've accomplished in the past nine months. 

But those things didn't actually happen.  Here's a basic summary of what actually happened in the last nine months:

And here's a list of more specific things that happened:

-Unknowingly helped file lawsuit against random lady

-Got sick four more times

-Became temporarily overcome with excitement over the idea of starting a juicing business  

-Went on several failed first dates

-Accidentally skydived

-Accidentally helped send someone to jail

-Got attacked by a swarm of bees, bit by a cat, and owned by hive outbreak in various European countries

-Got invited to join a middle aged white men's folk band

-Got kicked out of Vegas club for "looking threatening"

-Convinced 400 random people to give me money on various street corners (I feel like this needs context)

-Became owner of several forks and even some spoons

As you can see, it's been a fruitful year.  

All kidding aside though, I feel that I really have grown a lot this past year.  I learned many things that all contributed positively towards making me a more complete person.  Compassion.  Perspective.  Self-awareness.  How to be patient.  How to be alone.  How to accept myself. 

Of course, these things aren't exactly awards or Pokemon items one can win in a single burst of effort or by walking through some tall grass.

KELLY found compassion!  
KELLY added compassion to List of Values. 

But it's a process.  With every new experience, we take a step towards being a legitimate person.  

On Day 1 of 2014, I'm resolving to experience and grow as much as I possibly can this year.  And to write blog posts more frequently than every nine months!  Cheers.