Ramblings of a Delirious Sick Person

So I got really sick on Thursday.  I’m terrible at taking care of myself, so this was cause for alarm.  

On Friday night, my roommate asked me what I had to eat all day.  ”A handful of Cheerios,” I answered.  Imagine how cost-efficient I’d be if I ate like that every day! 

That night, I tossed and turned in bed, delirious with fever and chills and the only “coherent” thought I remember having is “FUCK YOU KATY PERRY, being Hot and Cold is no fucking catchy ass pop song this is REAL SHIT”.

On Saturday morning, I oozed out of my apartment, into a cab, and stumbled into the doctor’s office.  I grew suspicious that it may not have been a real doctor’s office when the nurse made me chug a cold glass of water and then asked to take my temperature.  

"But my mouth will be cold from the water," I pointed out weakly through gasps of dying breath.  

"Oh… probably not," she said and then decided to take my temperature through my ear instead.  

"104.1", she announced.  

"I’ve been that feverish since Thursday, is that normal?" I asked.  You have to understand that I always ask doctors the "is that normal" question in order to reassure myself that yes, this kind of thing happens all the time BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY.  

"No, it’s not normal.  It’s not good."  AND THAT WAS ALL SHE SAID BEFORE LEAVING THE ROOM.  

In my delirium I felt triumphant because 104.1 must be a personal record, and deserved the same level of celebration as when you break the targets playing as your main character in N64 smash in under twelve seconds.  Which is a lot of celebration, by the way. 

She came back with the (supposed) doctor and they prescribed me a shit ton of drugs.  Apparently I have the flu AND an ear infection, which explains the constant excruciating throbbing in my plugged ears.  

The doctor asked if I had a thermometer in my apartment.

"No, we don’t even have forks," I said.

Clearly concerned for my ability to survive as a human even under normal circumstances, she asked if anyone could take care of me.  

"I don’t have any friends," I sighed.  This wasn’t exactly true but maybe if they felt sorry for me they would lower my bill or something.  I don’t know. My logic wasn’t the best at the moment.  Like, I then went to Walgreens to buy produce.  PRODUCE.  At WALGREENS.  I don’t even… whatever.

On Sunday, the fever left but the pain in my ears was still unbearable.  I wanted to cry but I remembered that crying sometimes plugs my ears even when I don’t have an ear infection so who knows what could happen.  Even people in prison are allowed to cry sometimes. 

Then I tried to put my suffering into perspective by watching an Auschwitz documentary on Netflix, but the unrealistic BBC acting prevented me from fully empathizing.

Then I decided to search Tumblr for #ear infection.  

I have finally figured out the purpose of Tumblr. 

It is to unite all who are ear infected on the Internet so we may see that many others share our plight and understand our pain, expressed eloquently through phrases like #FUUUUUUCK!, #oh god the pain, #someone please kill me, and #there is a railroad spike in my ear.  I have found my community.  

I am still sick so there is no good way to end this post

What I Hate About Facebook

Remember how, somewhere in the middle of high school, you were busy intently analyzing the top-8 potential worth of your friend list on Myspace when one of your cousin's hipster friends from Seattle informed you of how much better Facebook was, and that it ain't just for college students anymore?  Back then, Facebook was just this simple, nice platform for chatting with friends wall-to-wall and occasionally uploading photo albums.  I probably checked mine once or twice a day.  Nice for keeping in touch with people, but wasn't too intrusive.

Today, Facebook has grown into a million-legged mutant creature that has made us into zombie slaves to our own simultaneous insecurity and narcissism and everyone else's.  

It has taken over everything.  Even if we tried to quit it, we would fail because now we are so used to being constantly plugged into the thoughts of 1000+ "friends" that suddenly not having that would leave a huge black void and it would be too empty and scary, so we keep it.  

I am 100% addicted to Facebook.  I absolutely hate Facebook.  Let me count the ways:

1.  Checking notifications has proved more addictive than crystal meth.  

I guess I can't really say "proved" for sure because I've never actually tried crystal meth, but what I can say is that whenever I am on the Internet (which is ALWAYS), I will be checking an email or reading an article when five seconds later, I open up a new tab and pull up Facebook.  Just to see if that little red notification sign is there.  If it's not, I go back to the email/article/cute kitten photo AND THEN I CHECK AGAIN TWO MINUTES LATER.  Facebook understands very, very well how addictive that little red notification sign is.  That's why they've made everything into notifications.  

Your friend updated his profile picture!  Your friend updated his status!  Your friend invited you to his event!  Your friend's friend commented on a photo you were tagged in!  Stranger posted in group you apparently joined two years ago!  WHAT.  

My Internet attention span has turned to crap.  I can't focus on anything anymore!  Noooooooooooo

2.  It has become a toxic dumping ground for every fleeting, unnoteworthy thought that goes through anyone's mind at any point in the day.  

I'm not sure at what point this happened, but recently people on FB have seriously been hard core ABUSING the status update.  Posting ten, fifteen, twenty times a day!  And they often aren't even that funny/clever/interesting.  I routinely see things like 

"Ugh can't WAIT for this week to be over! #IliveforFridays"
"Should I go running today? #indecisive"
"Boiling crab with my faves! [insert poorly-lit Instagrammed photo of meal that could have easily been accessed through Yelp for anyone that actually wanted to look at it]"

 These are things that you should either exclaim aloud to anyone in your current vicinity, text to a friend, or keep in your own head.  It is mean to subject 1000+ people to things like this.  Would you stand up in front of 1000 people at a rally and yell into a megaphone that you don't know what to eat for dinner tonight?  

I know I am exaggerating, but instead of updating our status 10 different times today about how our day is going, maybe we should write a journal entry or something (R.I.P. xanga :( ) 

3.  We use the "like" button to express our feelings now instead of words.

It is so easy to like something.  It is easy to like everything!  I "like" your picture, and that makes me feel like a pleasantly nice person.  The problem is that "Kelly likes this" has become an acceptable form of response to something.  Someone will post a video on my wall and say how it really made them think of me and they hope I'm doing well.  I am too lazy to craft an actual response.  I "like" the post instead.  Problem solved :D 

4.  We have turned into a bunch of attention-craving narcissistic assholes. 

I admit, it is super thrilling to post something and then see all those "likes" that people are so generously dishing out these days.  My heart soars with happiness when 20, 30, 40 people are liking the fact that I did x impressive thing today.  Facebook is full of folks that carefully craft humblebrag statuses that will maximize likeage (and they disguise the bragging by saying they are "blessed".  Haaate that shit!)

40 likes? YES, I am awesome.

But when I post something that gets, like, two likes, I immediately feel discouraged and like I am not awesome at all. 

THIS IS A PROBLEM.  Why do we need the approval of people we don't even care about in order to feel good about ourselves?  Happiness is directly proportional to digital upvotes?  Like... what? 

5.  All of these narcissistic updates from everyone else has made us even more insecure about our own lives. 

It's hard not to compare ourselves to others when every intimate detail of their lives is being thrust upon us every day.  These details, however, are a carefully constructed image that represents their best self.  No one talks about the stuff they do that's not glamorous, even if they do it most of the time:

So let's chill, remember that the girl who looks perfect in every photo probably untagged all of the unflattering ones, and stop comparing ourselves to others because that's unhealthy anyway!

And that's why I hate Facebook.

______________________________________________________

To clarify, obviously FB has a lot of great things going for it, which is why I'll never leave.  But I just wish these other bad things would go away, because it's getting kind of ridiculous.  Anyone else feel me on these?  I love "likes"!  Haha.

I Just Want My Life to Be Really, Really Freaking Awesome

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE? 

You don't have to give me some bullshit answer, it's okay.  I don't know what I want to do with my life either.   

How does anyone really know if they haven't had the actual experience of what they want to do?  How can you know until you taste it?  

I mentioned earlier that I think you should dedicate a lot of time towards figuring out what you want.  I believe quite decisively that the more time you spend spending learning what you want, the happier you will become in life.  And how quickly that happens depends on how often you put yourself in unfamiliar, maybe scary positions.  Avoiding what is comfortable and routine.  

I've done enough venturing in the past four years to start to understand at least a little bit of what I do and don't want.  I was happiest last year when I was organizing statewide conferences, traveling to a different campus every month, putting together insane rallies and sleeping in the EVP office, singing in rehearsals and concerts, and partying with friends probably four times a week.  I was unhappiest most recently when I was sitting at a desk researching policy from 9-5 every day.  

On some level, this kind of worries me.  I need variety to an extreme level.  I need human interaction at almost all times.  I want a lifestyle as stimulating as the one I had in college.  Does such a life exist post-graduation?  

Sometimes I worry about these things that I want.  I jokingly call my condition "life ADD".  This isn't an ideal condition to have.  It makes me do things like date twenty two people in four months (this could probably be its own post, but maybe another time).  It makes me do things I would classify as "questionable".  It makes me quit a perfectly decent job in the vague pursuit of "something better".  It makes me decide on a new career path EVERY OTHER DAY.  

And you know, I'm sure this will change once I become a grown up.  It's happening already to some of my friends who are totally content with a simple routine and a predictable 9-5, so I'm sure some day once I play catch-up I'll be fine with this life too.  But I'm not ready for that.  Not yet.  

I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  But I'm not gonna waste any more time doing what I know I don't want to do.  I quit my job, and a lot of people think I'm crazy for that.  Now, I'm thinking of moving back home, saving money, and traveling for the next year +.  Bringing on all the new experiences it has to offer.

If you want to do something like that too, you should.  We shouldn't live by anyone else's standards.  There's no "right" way to do it.  All anyone can hope for is that we're living our lives with some fucking guts.  #YOLO.  I'm out.