On Friday night, my roommate asked me what I had to eat all day. ”A handful of Cheerios,” I answered. Imagine how cost-efficient I’d be if I ate like that every day!
That night, I tossed and turned in bed, delirious with fever and chills and the only “coherent” thought I remember having is “FUCK YOU KATY PERRY, being Hot and Cold is no fucking catchy ass pop song this is REAL SHIT”.
On Saturday morning, I oozed out of my apartment, into a cab, and stumbled into the doctor’s office. I grew suspicious that it may not have been a real doctor’s office when the nurse made me chug a cold glass of water and then asked to take my temperature.
"But my mouth will be cold from the water," I pointed out weakly through gasps of dying breath.
"Oh… probably not," she said and then decided to take my temperature through my ear instead.
"104.1", she announced.
"I’ve been that feverish since Thursday, is that normal?" I asked. You have to understand that I always ask doctors the "is that normal" question in order to reassure myself that yes, this kind of thing happens all the time BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY.
"No, it’s not normal. It’s not good." AND THAT WAS ALL SHE SAID BEFORE LEAVING THE ROOM.
In my delirium I felt triumphant because 104.1 must be a personal record, and deserved the same level of celebration as when you break the targets playing as your main character in N64 smash in under twelve seconds. Which is a lot of celebration, by the way.
She came back with the (supposed) doctor and they prescribed me a shit ton of drugs. Apparently I have the flu AND an ear infection, which explains the constant excruciating throbbing in my plugged ears.
The doctor asked if I had a thermometer in my apartment.
"No, we don’t even have forks," I said.
Clearly concerned for my ability to survive as a human even under normal circumstances, she asked if anyone could take care of me.
"I don’t have any friends," I sighed. This wasn’t exactly true but maybe if they felt sorry for me they would lower my bill or something. I don’t know. My logic wasn’t the best at the moment. Like, I then went to Walgreens to buy produce. PRODUCE. At WALGREENS. I don’t even… whatever.
On Sunday, the fever left but the pain in my ears was still unbearable. I wanted to cry but I remembered that crying sometimes plugs my ears even when I don’t have an ear infection so who knows what could happen. Even people in prison are allowed to cry sometimes.
Then I tried to put my suffering into perspective by watching an Auschwitz documentary on Netflix, but the unrealistic BBC acting prevented me from fully empathizing.
Then I decided to search Tumblr for #ear infection.
I have finally figured out the purpose of Tumblr.
It is to unite all who are ear infected on the Internet so we may see that many others share our plight and understand our pain, expressed eloquently through phrases like #FUUUUUUCK!, #oh god the pain, #someone please kill me, and #there is a railroad spike in my ear. I have found my community.
I am still sick so there is no good way to end this post
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