What Happened Since My Last Post

It's been nine months since I last posted anything.  This is mostly because for some reason I decided I wouldn't post anything until I came up with a cooler name for my blog.  You see, the longer I've been out of college, the more shame I feel in continuing to identify as a "post-graduate", and continuing to tell strangers that I "JUST graduated".  

I wanted my blog title to reflect the process and struggle of becoming an adult, while not really feeling like an adult quite yet.  Like, sort of adult.  Kind of an adult.  So I tried those out.  

sortofadult.com
kindofadult.com

But to my dismay, I realized these just sounded like soft-core porn sites.  So I gave up for a while, until finally, driven by the promise of a new year full of productivity, I settled on a new server and a new blog name.

Unfortunately, in the world of blogging, time is directly proportional to expectation.  The more time that goes by between posts, the higher the expectation that one will return with the most gripping tales and viralest content.  

There is a lot of pressure and I will admit that I was tempted to just make up a list of incredible things I've accomplished in the past nine months. 

But those things didn't actually happen.  Here's a basic summary of what actually happened in the last nine months:

And here's a list of more specific things that happened:

-Unknowingly helped file lawsuit against random lady

-Got sick four more times

-Became temporarily overcome with excitement over the idea of starting a juicing business  

-Went on several failed first dates

-Accidentally skydived

-Accidentally helped send someone to jail

-Got attacked by a swarm of bees, bit by a cat, and owned by hive outbreak in various European countries

-Got invited to join a middle aged white men's folk band

-Got kicked out of Vegas club for "looking threatening"

-Convinced 400 random people to give me money on various street corners (I feel like this needs context)

-Became owner of several forks and even some spoons

As you can see, it's been a fruitful year.  

All kidding aside though, I feel that I really have grown a lot this past year.  I learned many things that all contributed positively towards making me a more complete person.  Compassion.  Perspective.  Self-awareness.  How to be patient.  How to be alone.  How to accept myself. 

Of course, these things aren't exactly awards or Pokemon items one can win in a single burst of effort or by walking through some tall grass.

KELLY found compassion!  
KELLY added compassion to List of Values. 

But it's a process.  With every new experience, we take a step towards being a legitimate person.  

On Day 1 of 2014, I'm resolving to experience and grow as much as I possibly can this year.  And to write blog posts more frequently than every nine months!  Cheers. 

Ramblings of a Delirious Sick Person

So I got really sick on Thursday.  I’m terrible at taking care of myself, so this was cause for alarm.  

On Friday night, my roommate asked me what I had to eat all day.  ”A handful of Cheerios,” I answered.  Imagine how cost-efficient I’d be if I ate like that every day! 

That night, I tossed and turned in bed, delirious with fever and chills and the only “coherent” thought I remember having is “FUCK YOU KATY PERRY, being Hot and Cold is no fucking catchy ass pop song this is REAL SHIT”.

On Saturday morning, I oozed out of my apartment, into a cab, and stumbled into the doctor’s office.  I grew suspicious that it may not have been a real doctor’s office when the nurse made me chug a cold glass of water and then asked to take my temperature.  

"But my mouth will be cold from the water," I pointed out weakly through gasps of dying breath.  

"Oh… probably not," she said and then decided to take my temperature through my ear instead.  

"104.1", she announced.  

"I’ve been that feverish since Thursday, is that normal?" I asked.  You have to understand that I always ask doctors the "is that normal" question in order to reassure myself that yes, this kind of thing happens all the time BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY.  

"No, it’s not normal.  It’s not good."  AND THAT WAS ALL SHE SAID BEFORE LEAVING THE ROOM.  

In my delirium I felt triumphant because 104.1 must be a personal record, and deserved the same level of celebration as when you break the targets playing as your main character in N64 smash in under twelve seconds.  Which is a lot of celebration, by the way. 

She came back with the (supposed) doctor and they prescribed me a shit ton of drugs.  Apparently I have the flu AND an ear infection, which explains the constant excruciating throbbing in my plugged ears.  

The doctor asked if I had a thermometer in my apartment.

"No, we don’t even have forks," I said.

Clearly concerned for my ability to survive as a human even under normal circumstances, she asked if anyone could take care of me.  

"I don’t have any friends," I sighed.  This wasn’t exactly true but maybe if they felt sorry for me they would lower my bill or something.  I don’t know. My logic wasn’t the best at the moment.  Like, I then went to Walgreens to buy produce.  PRODUCE.  At WALGREENS.  I don’t even… whatever.

On Sunday, the fever left but the pain in my ears was still unbearable.  I wanted to cry but I remembered that crying sometimes plugs my ears even when I don’t have an ear infection so who knows what could happen.  Even people in prison are allowed to cry sometimes. 

Then I tried to put my suffering into perspective by watching an Auschwitz documentary on Netflix, but the unrealistic BBC acting prevented me from fully empathizing.

Then I decided to search Tumblr for #ear infection.  

I have finally figured out the purpose of Tumblr. 

It is to unite all who are ear infected on the Internet so we may see that many others share our plight and understand our pain, expressed eloquently through phrases like #FUUUUUUCK!, #oh god the pain, #someone please kill me, and #there is a railroad spike in my ear.  I have found my community.  

I am still sick so there is no good way to end this post

What I Hate About Facebook

Remember how, somewhere in the middle of high school, you were busy intently analyzing the top-8 potential worth of your friend list on Myspace when one of your cousin's hipster friends from Seattle informed you of how much better Facebook was, and that it ain't just for college students anymore?  Back then, Facebook was just this simple, nice platform for chatting with friends wall-to-wall and occasionally uploading photo albums.  I probably checked mine once or twice a day.  Nice for keeping in touch with people, but wasn't too intrusive.

Today, Facebook has grown into a million-legged mutant creature that has made us into zombie slaves to our own simultaneous insecurity and narcissism and everyone else's.  

It has taken over everything.  Even if we tried to quit it, we would fail because now we are so used to being constantly plugged into the thoughts of 1000+ "friends" that suddenly not having that would leave a huge black void and it would be too empty and scary, so we keep it.  

I am 100% addicted to Facebook.  I absolutely hate Facebook.  Let me count the ways:

1.  Checking notifications has proved more addictive than crystal meth.  

I guess I can't really say "proved" for sure because I've never actually tried crystal meth, but what I can say is that whenever I am on the Internet (which is ALWAYS), I will be checking an email or reading an article when five seconds later, I open up a new tab and pull up Facebook.  Just to see if that little red notification sign is there.  If it's not, I go back to the email/article/cute kitten photo AND THEN I CHECK AGAIN TWO MINUTES LATER.  Facebook understands very, very well how addictive that little red notification sign is.  That's why they've made everything into notifications.  

Your friend updated his profile picture!  Your friend updated his status!  Your friend invited you to his event!  Your friend's friend commented on a photo you were tagged in!  Stranger posted in group you apparently joined two years ago!  WHAT.  

My Internet attention span has turned to crap.  I can't focus on anything anymore!  Noooooooooooo

2.  It has become a toxic dumping ground for every fleeting, unnoteworthy thought that goes through anyone's mind at any point in the day.  

I'm not sure at what point this happened, but recently people on FB have seriously been hard core ABUSING the status update.  Posting ten, fifteen, twenty times a day!  And they often aren't even that funny/clever/interesting.  I routinely see things like 

"Ugh can't WAIT for this week to be over! #IliveforFridays"
"Should I go running today? #indecisive"
"Boiling crab with my faves! [insert poorly-lit Instagrammed photo of meal that could have easily been accessed through Yelp for anyone that actually wanted to look at it]"

 These are things that you should either exclaim aloud to anyone in your current vicinity, text to a friend, or keep in your own head.  It is mean to subject 1000+ people to things like this.  Would you stand up in front of 1000 people at a rally and yell into a megaphone that you don't know what to eat for dinner tonight?  

I know I am exaggerating, but instead of updating our status 10 different times today about how our day is going, maybe we should write a journal entry or something (R.I.P. xanga :( ) 

3.  We use the "like" button to express our feelings now instead of words.

It is so easy to like something.  It is easy to like everything!  I "like" your picture, and that makes me feel like a pleasantly nice person.  The problem is that "Kelly likes this" has become an acceptable form of response to something.  Someone will post a video on my wall and say how it really made them think of me and they hope I'm doing well.  I am too lazy to craft an actual response.  I "like" the post instead.  Problem solved :D 

4.  We have turned into a bunch of attention-craving narcissistic assholes. 

I admit, it is super thrilling to post something and then see all those "likes" that people are so generously dishing out these days.  My heart soars with happiness when 20, 30, 40 people are liking the fact that I did x impressive thing today.  Facebook is full of folks that carefully craft humblebrag statuses that will maximize likeage (and they disguise the bragging by saying they are "blessed".  Haaate that shit!)

40 likes? YES, I am awesome.

But when I post something that gets, like, two likes, I immediately feel discouraged and like I am not awesome at all. 

THIS IS A PROBLEM.  Why do we need the approval of people we don't even care about in order to feel good about ourselves?  Happiness is directly proportional to digital upvotes?  Like... what? 

5.  All of these narcissistic updates from everyone else has made us even more insecure about our own lives. 

It's hard not to compare ourselves to others when every intimate detail of their lives is being thrust upon us every day.  These details, however, are a carefully constructed image that represents their best self.  No one talks about the stuff they do that's not glamorous, even if they do it most of the time:

So let's chill, remember that the girl who looks perfect in every photo probably untagged all of the unflattering ones, and stop comparing ourselves to others because that's unhealthy anyway!

And that's why I hate Facebook.

______________________________________________________

To clarify, obviously FB has a lot of great things going for it, which is why I'll never leave.  But I just wish these other bad things would go away, because it's getting kind of ridiculous.  Anyone else feel me on these?  I love "likes"!  Haha.